I’ve decided that to help me be more accountable for myself and losing weight that everyday I will post about this journey. Not just an update.
I was totally shocked when 3 weeks ago I weighed in and had lost over 5 lbs in a week. Since then I have gained back a pound and last week I maintained. Which means I did not gain or lose. I am starting to feel bad. But the only person that can change that is me. I know what I need to do and how to get there ….it is just trying to do this with the holidays approaching is way tougher than I thought. I mean yeah it is a real struggle ….yes I have to keep up with what works for me…but seriously it gets to be very overwhelming.
I show a smile on my face to keep the real feelings from showing. I laugh because if I don’t I will cry. I keep on keeping on just so no one can see the real pain I feel. I watch good feeling Christmas movies to keep me from yelling at my kids and I try my best to keep from losing my cool at them. But I know that deep down inside I am only mad at myself because I am not doing as good as I know I can.
I know a lot of my “REAL” friends do not judge me for what I look like but I just want to be normal. To buy clothes from the women’s section without having to go to the “PLUS” sizes. I want to be able to walk without knowing that if I climb these stairs not only am I putting twice as much weight on my knees going up but putting three times as much weight on them going down. That is a harsh reality knowing that I am exuding more than 1000 lbs of pressure on my knees when I go down a stair. It makes me ill knowing this. I want to be pretty. I know some of you are saying “well that’s shallow”. What do I mean by pretty? Well to me pretty is being able to walk into a store or restaurant and not be judged because of how I look, being able to walk hand in hand with my husband and let others see how lucky I am to have him. Being pretty to means not having to lug all this weight around and feel good about myself. I want someone to look at me and say you look really good and mean it. Not just because you think that’s what I want you to say.
The struggle is real and it is very hard. But I am trying my best not to let this get the best of me. Just remember this……don’t take advantage of today because tomorrow is never promised.