It’s tougher than I thought……

I’ve decided that to help me be more accountable for myself and losing weight that everyday I will post about this journey.  Not just an update.

I was totally shocked when 3 weeks ago I weighed in and had lost over 5 lbs in a week.  Since then I have gained back a pound and last week I maintained.  Which means I did not gain or lose.  I am starting to feel bad.  But the only person that can change that is me.  I know what I need to do and how to get there ….it is just trying to do this with the holidays approaching is way tougher than I thought.   I mean yeah it is a real struggle ….yes I have to keep up with what works for me…but seriously it gets to be very overwhelming.

I show a smile on my face to keep the real feelings from showing.  I laugh because if I don’t I will cry.  I keep on keeping on just so no one can see the real pain I feel.  I watch good feeling Christmas movies to keep me from yelling at my kids and I try my best to keep from losing my cool at them.  But I know that deep down inside I am only mad at myself because I am not doing as good as I know I can.

I know a lot of my “REAL” friends do not judge me for what I look like but I just want to be normal.  To buy clothes from the women’s section without having to go to the “PLUS” sizes.  I want to be able to walk without knowing that if I climb these stairs not only am I putting twice as much weight on my knees going up but putting three times as much weight on them going down.  That is a harsh reality knowing that I am exuding more than 1000 lbs of pressure on my knees when I go down a stair.  It makes me ill knowing this.  I want to be pretty.  I know some of you are saying “well that’s shallow”.  What do I mean by pretty?  Well to me pretty is being able to walk into a store or restaurant and not be judged because of how I look, being able to walk hand in hand with my husband and let others see how lucky I am to have him.  Being pretty to means not having to lug all this weight around and feel good about myself.  I want someone to look at me and say you look really good and mean it.  Not just because you think that’s what I want you to say.

The struggle is real and it is very hard.  But I am trying my best not to let this get the best of me.  Just remember this……don’t take advantage of today because tomorrow is never promised.  life-message

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